I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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