i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
