I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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