Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
