I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
