I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
And then he peed in my hair
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