Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
