If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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