I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Found your dick twin last night
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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