who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
