okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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