We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
