the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You ruined the universe
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
