I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
