idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I woke up under a house in Key West
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