I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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