we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
