I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
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