So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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