I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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