I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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