haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
