I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
