Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
