Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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