What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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