I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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