The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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