I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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