8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
