It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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