Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
