I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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