im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize