Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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