I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
