Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think my moral compass just broke
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
