and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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