Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
