you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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