You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize