I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
