My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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