I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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