So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
