I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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