trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
