That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
