worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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