we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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