I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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