If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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