last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
