My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
