You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize