I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i think my cat just said my name.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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