i need an iv and a liver transplant
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
