i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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