I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize