If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just blew my weed a kiss
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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