Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
