I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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