"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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