You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
